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Царевна-лягушка

Яга. Имя?

Иван. Иван.

Яга. Фамилия?

Иван. Царевич.

Яга. Ревич, Царевич, Рабинович. Нерусский, што ль?

Иван. Как же не русский? Это я по отцу Царевич, а по матери-то, все нормально. Дурак.

Яга. Дурак? Ну, это еще далеко не по матери. Хотя тоже ничего. И зачем же ты, Ваня, в Кащеево царство намылился?

Иван. Как-то странно ты, бабуля, гостей встречаешь. Не умыла, не накормила, спать не уложила, а уже спрашиваешь?

Яга. Во-первых, здесь, Вань, не парк культуры и отдыха, а, извини, пограничная зона. А во-вторых, по какой, говоришь, причине к Кащею-то?

Иван. Так это… Там все написано — воссоединение с семьей. Жена у меня там — Василисьюшка Кащеевна.

Яга. Ишь ты. А ну, посмотри в глаза… Ведь фиктивный брачок-то? А, Ваня? По глазам же вижу — фиктивный. Не иначе решил, прости господи, в стриптизу сходить. Ах ты, шалун.

Иван. Да ты что, морда костяная? Да она у нас в болоте на лягушку училась. Я и не знал ничего.

Входит Соловей-Разбойник.

Соловей. Здорово, Ягуля. Это кто тут не знал ничего?

Яга. Да вот тут один. На Лягухе женился, а она не наша случилась. Воссоединяться желают.

Соловей. Как фамилия?

Иван. Дурак.

Соловей. Сам дурак. И вообще, сгною в погребе.

Яга. Это у него фамилие такое — Дурак.

Соловей. Странно. Фамилия вроде наша. Что ж тебя, дурака, туда-то потянуло?

Иван. Так ведь чувство же. Семья — ячейка, и все такое.

Соловей. Э-э. Да ты зеленый совсем. Ну, куда ты такой поедешь? Это у нас ячейка, а у них — осиное гнездо.

Яга. Во-во. И вообще, Кащеево царство — царство смерти и исторической обреченности. Оставайся, Ваня.

Соловей. Ну, че молчишь? Или ты туда за шмутками собрался?

Яга. Я, Соловеюшка, кумекаю, ему, кучерявому, стриптизу захотелось.

Соловей. Че, правда, Иван? Так ты скажи, не стесняйся. Мы тебе его и здесь вмиг организуем. Вон Яга щас разденется — смотри, сколько хочешь. (Яге.) Что-то не нравится он мне. Может он и не дурак вовсе?

Яга. Так он по матери Дурак, а по отцу — Царевич.

Соловей. То-то, я смотрю, не наше у него лицо. Ах ты, злодей. Дураки-то, небось, туда не рвутся.

Иван. Что ж, я виноват, что лягушонка моя заморской оказалась?

Соловей. Молчи, гад. Скажи лучше, сколько ты этой жабе заплатил, чтобы она за тебя, урода, вышла? (В волнении ходит. Ивану.) Сто пятьдесят характеристик с прологом, эпилогом и некрологом принес?

Иван. Принес.

Соловей. Автобиографии ямбом, хореем, белым стихом, с крендельками и завитушками принес?

Иван. Принес.

Яга. Да все он, анафема, принес. Вон самосвал во дворе под бумагами прогинается.

Соловей. Да? Ну ладно, Ваня. Значит, все в порядке. Иди. Документы мы все как надо рассмотрим и через тридцать лет и три года милости прошу за ответом.

Иван. Да вы что… Жена ведь… Красавица…

Соловей. А ты как думал? Не куда-нибудь, к Кащею собрался. Все надоть проверить. Не кручинься ты так. Если любит — подождет. Ну, ступай, молодец.

Иван уходит.

Соловей. Вот зараза. Интеллигентишка недоделанный. Все беды от них. Дурак, говорит, по матери. Сказал бы ему, змеенышу, по матери, да при женщинах неудобно.

1987

30 thoughts on “Царевна-лягушка”

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    References:
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    References:
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    References:
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