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Игры патриотов

Патриот прекрасен в своей парадоксальности. Напишешь, бывает, что-нибудь эдакое, а он уже тут как тут. Лицом сердит, словами грозен, головой горяч. Да что ж, кричит, вы Россию в покое оставить не можете? Вы же уже уехали! Какое вам дело до страны, в которой вы не живете?! Да и что вы, отщепенцы, можете о ней знать? И тут же добавляет: «А Америка, зато, бомбила Белград».

Патриоты запрещают нам критиковать Россию и тогда, когда мы живем в ней, и после того, как уезжаем. Сначала, потому что нельзя выносить сор из избы, а потом, потому что нельзя заносить сор в избу.

Сперва они говорят: валите вон, раз вам так здесь не нравится. А затем упрекают в том, что нам пришлось выполнить их пожелание.

Мы прожили в России всю жизнь, но, по мнению патриотов, не имеем права о ней говорить, потому что уже два года в ней не живем. А они не жили за границей никогда, но говорят о ней постоянно.

Вместо того чтобы любить свою страну, они ненавидят чужие. И эту ненависть к другим принимают за любовь к себе.

Туалет у них за сараем, водопровод замерз, кота съели блохи, а они устремляют взор свой сквозь все эти досадные недоразумения и упираются взглядом в Белый Дом. Далекая женщина Псаки занимает их разум гораздо больше родной Захаровой. Они обсуждают какую-то Урсулу фон дер Ляйен и совершенно не интересуются Небензей. Да что там Небензя, даже собственная канализация трогает их меньше, чем фон дер Ляйен. Но при этом, они не понимают, почему нас так волнует Россия. Ведь мы же там не живем.

Они боятся говорить по телефону и переписываться в соцсетях. Фраза «это не телефонный разговор» считается у них столь же естественной, как пожелание здоровья после апчхи. Да, их подслушивают, и они согласны с этим. За ними следят. На них стучат. Они живут в страхе. Но по-настоящему переживают только из-за Америки.

Байден поздоровался с воздухом. Кошмар, зашквар и позор! Бедные пиндосы. До чего докатилась страна. Америка бомбила Йемен – русские патриоты в шоке. Американские индейцы живут в резервациях – это не затихающая боль всех наших граждан еще с советских времен. И, наконец, самое главное: в Америке есть гендерно-нейтральные туалеты!!! Куда катится мир!

Да, говорят, патриоты, у нас в выгребной яме утонул сантехник. Но, во-первых, это мелочи, а во-вторых, он утонул не в гендерно нейтральной, а в настоящей, скрепной, мужской выгребной яме. И смерть его была полна подлинных ценностей и здравого смысла.

Еще в 70-х у Карцева и Ильченко была сценка «Как пройти на Дерибасовскую». Ильченко спрашивал у Карцева дорогу, а Карцев отвечал:

– Меня очень волнует положение в Родезии. Этот Смит такой головорез, такое вытворяет, у меня уже было два приступа.

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125 thoughts on “Игры патриотов”

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