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Илья Муромец и Соловей-разбойник

Князь во френче и с трубкой. Говорит с легким грузинским акцентом.

Князь. Муромца ко мне.

Появляются Илья и Соловей.

Илья. Вова, солнышко, и что я в тебя такой влюбленный?

Князь. Сколько можно повторять, я тебе не солнышко, а князь Владимир Красно Солнышко. И вообще, брось свои одесские штучки, у нас Киевская Русь.

Илья. Вова, ты ж посмотри, что я тебе привел — композитор.

Князь. Кто есть таков?

Илья. Cидел, супостат, в лесу и, извиняюсь, свистал.

Князь. Художественный свист? Это может быть опасным оружием в руках врага. И что же он свистал?

Илья. Вова, я простой человек. Ты знаешь. Я тридцать три года сидел в Муроме и совсем забыл сольфеджиу, но, по-моему, это был пылесос имени Огинского… Моцарта.

Князь. Этого половецкого трубадура? (Соловью.) Да как ты мог, вор?

Соловей. Я не Ворон, я Соловей. А на вороне меня сюда привезли, и я хочу знать, за что.

Илья. Вова, он кочевряжится, Вова! Позволь, я отрублю ему голову, и скажем, что так и было.

Князь. Погоди. (Соловью.) Нешто ты, разбойник, не понимаешь, что свистая половецкие песни ты льешь воду на половецкую мельницу, за что и будешь лишен живота. Так решит суд.

Илья. Вова, ты говоришь, как Цицерон. И за что я в тебя такой влюбленный?!

Соловей. Я просто сидел на пеньке и насвистывал вальс Штрауса.

Князь. Какая ж разница — вальс или пылесос?

Соловей. Но ведь это же классика!

Князь. Любой свист носит классиковый характер. Важно, интересы каких классиков он отражает.

Илья. Вова, позволь свершиться правосудию.

Князь. Своим свистом ты проводил идеологическую диверсию. Разве мало у нас талантов? Глинка, Лососинка, Русский-Корсаков, в конце концов. Ты же ухитрился откопать чуждого нам автора и его свистом отравлял души моих богатырей. (Илье.) Ильюша.

Илья. Я здеся, Вова.

Князь. Отрубите-ка этому Соловью голову. Как разбойнику и половецкому шпиону.

Илья уводит Соловья.

Князь. Ныкитич.

Появляется Добрыня.

Добрыня. Я здесь, батюшка.

Князь. Ныкитич, только что взяли одного композитора. Ты знаешь, он на тебя показывает.

Добрыня падает на колени.

Князь (добродушно). Я шучу, Ныкитич! Ты вот у нас шибко грамотный. Напиши-ка еще одну главку для истории фольклористики. О том, как Илья Муромец Соловья разбойника одолел.

1987

11 thoughts on “Илья Муромец и Соловей-разбойник”

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