Действующие лица
Король – царственная особа.
Министр крепких скреп – ум, честь и совесть нашей эпохи.
Фей – волшебник неопределенного возраста.
Прачка – рядовая работница.
Тигр, Лев, Орел, Куропатка – звери.
Военные – они же охранники.
Охранники – они же военные.
Голос палача – голос палача.
Сцена 1
На сцене трон, на котором накиданы шелковые ленты с конкурсов красоты. «Мистер грация», «Мистер очарование», «Мистер улыбка». Рядом с троном стоит Король. Человек средних лет в строгом, современном костюме и короне вроде тех, которыми коронуют красавиц на конкурсах их неземной красоты. Через грудь лента с надписью: «Приз зрительских симпатий». Он задумчиво смотрит на трон.
Король (напевает себе под нос). Шестой уж год я царствую спокойно, а счастья нет… Пам-пам-парам-пам-пам… (Зрителям, огорченно.) Я отворил им житницы, я злато рассыпал им, я им сыскал работы… они ж меня, беснуясь, проклинали… Они любить умеют только мертвых… и мальчики кровавые в глазах… (Вздохнув.) Та-ра-ра-бумбия, сижу на тумбе я… Все скучно, пошло, убого. (Достает мобильный телефон. Звонит.)
Алле… Кто-кто, король в пальто… Что?.. Не узнали?.. Богатеньким буду?.. Спасибо… Позовите, пожалуйста, Министра крепких скреп.
Входит подтянутый молодой человек с гусиным пером и айпадом.
Министр. Вызывали, Ваше Величество?
Король. Понимаешь, мне вдруг показалось… нет, я испугался… испугался, что это всё неправда.
Министр. Что неправда, Ваше Величество? Озвучьте. Всё исправим. Четко, метко, оперативно.
Король. Неправда, что народ меня любит по-настоящему. (Перебирает висящие на троне ленты.) «Мистер грация», «Мистер улыбка», «Мистер очарование», «Приз зрительских симпатий». Сейчас так много подлога, обмана. Суррогатные матери эти, вегетарианские гамбургеры, красители идентичные натуральному. Ты ведь понимаешь, что это всё вранье? А вдруг и с любовью так?
Министр. Ваше Величество! Как Вы можете?! Да Вы любого спросите. Вот, любую прачку. Эй, прачка! Сюда иди.
Вбегает Прачка.
Прачка (бодро). Рядовая Прачка по вашему приказанью…
Министр. Вольно. Скажи, любишь Короля?
Прачка (молодцевато). Так точно, Ваше высокоблагородь!
Министр. Свободна.
Прачка разворачивается, уходит строевым шагом.
Вот, Ваше Величество, рядовая, в смысле, обыкновенная, первая встречная прачка Вас любит. И так любого спроси. Кузнеца, портного, сторожа, учительницу младших классов Светлану Павловну. Позвать?
Король. Не надо. В лес хочу. В тайгу. К тиграм. Летать с журавлями, плавать с утками…
Министр (записывает пером в айпаде). Сутками?
Король. С утками. Ты тупой?
Министр. Так точно!
Король. Молодец. Так вот. Утки не обманут. Люди мерзкие, лживые существа, и лишь природа одна чиста и невинна, как первый поцелуй. Собираемся, едем!
Министр (растерянно). Куда?
Король. В тайгу. Хочу побыть там один. Наедине с тигром, львом, орлом и куропаткой.
Министр. Секунду, Ваше Величество, я записываю… ку-ро-пат-кой.
Король. Еще там должны быть рогатые олени, гуси, пауки, молчаливые рыбы, обитавшие в воде, морские звезды и те, которых нельзя было видеть глазом.
Министр. Сделаем, Ваше Величество. В лучшем виде… (Снимает с пояса рацию, говорит по ней.) Внесите лес. Пятая степень густоты. Нужны тигр, лев, орел и куропатка. Как слышите? Прием!
Входят Военные, вносят фотообои с изображением леса и несколько кадок с деревьями.
Король. Это что?
Министр. Как заказывали. Лес. Подлинность, первозданность. Здесь установим свет, пустим звук. Зверей доставят с минуты на минуту.
Король. Господи! Он же даже ничего не понял! Ты понимаешь, что ты кретин? Тупая, циничная, бездушная скотина. (Обращается к кому-то незримому.) Палач!
Голос палача. Я здесь.
Король. Где?
Голос палача. Везде. Я же палач.
Король. А, ну да, ну да. Казните его, пожалуйста.
Раздается раскат грома. Министр крепких скреп падает.
Король (подходит к лежащему). Все, тебя больше нет. Бак-балибак. Понял?
Министр (лежа). Понял. И кто я теперь?
Король. Теперь? Ну не знаю. Министр славных прав. Будешь славить права. Ползи, права славь. Господи! Как же я хочу в лес.
Затмение.
Сцена 2
Там же. Король грустит на троне. Входит Фей в расписном халате, в конусовидной шапке и мягких тапках в виде собачек. В руках у него волшебная мухобойка.
Король (ошарашенно). Вы кто?
Фей. Я — добрый Фей. Твой крестный отец. Крибле-крабле-бумс. (Легонько шлепает короля мухобойкой по лбу.)
Король. Правда? (Резко.) Охрана! Помогите!
Вбегают 4 Охранника с автоматами, начинают стрелять. Фей изящно отбивает все пули мухобойкой, стреляет из нее 4 раза.
Все охранники падают.
Фей. Конечно, правда. Я слышал, ты хочешь в лес. Я могу тебе это устроить.
Король (тыкая носком ботинка валяющихся Охранников). Я был бы очень Вам признателен, крестный отец.
Фей. Зови меня просто папа. (Протягивает перстень для поцелуя.) Папа Бамбарбия-Киргуду. Шутка. Взамен я бы хотел нефтяной шельф, кимберлитовую трубку, Курилы и твою бессмертную душу.
Король. А Курилы-то Вам зачем?
Фей. Курить. Кой смысл в трубке без Курил? По остальным пунктам, я так понимаю, возражений нет?
Король. Нет. А я буду в лесу один?
Фей. Естественно. Только ты и съемочная группа. Восемнадцать человек. Еще пятьдесят охранников, три повара, врач, егерь, ветеринар, саперы, кабинет министров, авиация, артиллерия и флот. Ну и еще, может быть, кто-то по мелочам.
Король. А звери?
Фей. Обязательно. Тигр Амур, лев Тимур, куропатка Глафира, олени, гуси, пауки, рыбы, звезды — все в звании не ниже подполковника.
Король. А можно?..
Фей. Можно. Могу устроить перелет с дикими гусями в Лапландию. Визит к Минотавру, прогулку за Золотым Руном, конный тур за подвесками Париж — Лондон — Париж с д’Артаньяном, шахматный турнир в Васюках с последующим купанием в Волге и путешествие на Луну с Незнайкой. Цены щадящие. И помни: ровно в полночь дикие гуси превратятся в мышей, д’Артаньян — в крысу, Незнайка — в министра обороны и Луна — в тыкву. Будем подписывать?
Король. Я беру весь пакет. А можно еще прокатиться на комбайне по кукурузному полю и развестись?
Фей. Можно. Вот здесь, пожалуйста, число и подпись. Подпись кровью.
Король. А можно не своей?
Фей. Нужно.
Сцена 3
Лесная поляна. У костра сидят Король, Тигр, Лев, Орел и Куропатка. Курят, передавая из рук в руки трубку.
Рядом с костром лежит гитара.
Король (он изрядно пьян). Шестой уж год я царствую спокойно. А счастья нет. Не так ли, господа?
Тигр затягивается. Передает трубку Льву. Берет гитару. Начинает перебирать струны.
Тигр. Изгиб гитары желтой, ты обнимаешь нежно. Струна осколком эха пронзит тугую высь.
Король (гладит Тигра.). Не-е-е-ет, милости не чувствует народ: твори добро — не скажет он спасибо; грабь и казни — тебе не будет хуже…
Орел. Кар-р!
Король (подходит к Орлу, целует). Во-о-от. Я отворил им житницы, я злато рассыпал им, я им сыскал работы… (Всхлипывает.) Они ж меня, беснуясь, проклинали… Они любить умеют только мертвых… и гномики зеленые в глазах…
Тигр. Качнется купол неба большой и звездно-снежный. Как здорово, что все мы здесь сегодня собрались.
Лев флегматично передает трубку Орлу. Подает Королю флягу. Король выпрямляется.
Король (торжественно). Тигр, Лев, Орел и Куропатка! А также рогатые олени, гуси, пауки, молчаливые рыбы, обитавшие в воде, морские звезды и те, которых нельзя было видеть глазом — словом, все жизни, все жизни, все жизни. Тост!
Тигр перестает наигрывать. Звери поднимают стаканы.
Орел. Кар-р!
Король. Т-с-с-с. Все стерхи, свершив печальный круг, упали… Уже тысячи веков, как Земля не носит на себе ни одного бандерлога, и эта бедная Луна напрасно зажигает свой фонарь.
Куропатка. Фьють-фьють! (Собирается выпить.)
Король (останавливает ее). Щас не об этом! На лугу уже не просыпаются с криком журавли, и майских жуков не бывает слышно в липовых рощах. Господи, что я несу! (Садится.)
Орел набрасывает на Короля шубу. Тигр снова берет гитару.
Общая мировая душа — это я. (Встает. Громче и громче.) Во мне душа и Александра Великого, и Цезаря, и Наполеона, и последней пиявки. (Подходит ко Льву, берет его за гриву. Льву.) Зачем вы говорите, что целовали землю, по которой я ходил? Меня надо убить. (Садится.) Я так утомился! Отдохнуть бы… отдохнуть! (Поднимает голову.) Я — чайка… Нет, не то. (Роняет голову на грудь. Храпит.)
Тигр прекращает играть. Выходят Прачка и Министр крепких скреп.
Прачка. Ну как? (Пудрит зверей, поправляет им микрофоны.)
Министр. По картинке — нормально. Звери — молодцы. Текст — лажа. Надо будет подложечку какую-нибудь пустить. Дикторский текст, типа, посетил, встретился, поцеловал в нос, потрепал за ухо… Кстати, почему нет щуки? Щука — это символично. Красиво. По-русски. Говорящая. Килограммов на сорок.
Прачка. Говно вопрос.
Король шевелится, потягивается.
Министр. Все по местам! Просыпается!
Прачка и Министр убегают. Звери поправляют шкуры, возвращаются в задушевные позы. Тигр берется за гитару.
Король. Давно я не знаком со вкусом страха. Понимаешь? А ведь, бывало, чувства леденил мне крик в ночи, и при рассказе страшном вставали волосы и у меня… Всё. Нет волос, и нечему вставать.
Лев (сочувственно). Мяу.
Король (строго). Но ужасами я уж так пресыщен, что о злодействе думать приучился без содрогания. (Встает. Ходит, пытаясь донести мысль до зверей.) А дни ползут, и вот уж в книге жизни читаем мы последний слог и видим, что ёпрст уфхц.
Куропатка. Аа-а-а-а-а!
Король. Жизнь — это только тень, комедиант, паясничавший полчаса на сцене и тут же позабытый; это повесть, которую пересказал дурак: в ней много слов и страсти, нет лишь смысла… И девочки усатые в чулках.
Тигр. Качнется купол неба большой и звездно-снежный.
Звери (хором). Как здорово, что все мы здесь сегодня собрались.
Король и звери обнимаются.
Затмение.
Голос диктора. Свой День рождения Его Величество встретил в глухой тайге, в десяти тысячах километров от ближайшей деревни. Король провел этот день в полном одиночестве. С ним были лишь дикий уссурийский тигр, дикий сибирский лев, дикий домашний орел и дикая кура… (Шелест переворачиваемой страницы.) …патка. Сегодня вы имеете уникальную возможность посмотреть, как это было.
Конец
2014
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The only way to confirm the active RTP at your casino
is to check the game’s information screen (the “i” icon or paytable button within the game), or contact the casino’s support team directly.
By combining high RTP, rewarding mechanics, legal accessibility, and real-world data,
we have ensured this list only includes the best online pokies that payout, not flashy titles with empty promises.
While its base 96.28% RTP is standard, it features an extreme 50,000x max win, far
outpacing high-RTP titles like Book of 99.
Its medium volatility offers a more consistent win distribution compared to high-risk
slots. This guide focuses exclusively on games with RTPs
of 96% or above, available at Australian-accessible offshore casinos.
This time, though, the rounds had fewer multipliers and weren’t as rewarding.
I didn’t hit this feature this time, but even without it, the bonus game earnings provided a solid payday.
My review team and I conducted comprehensive evaluations of the top 10 pokies online in Australia over 3-4 weeks
to assess their performance closely. The guide also provides tips on how to maximize the mobile gaming
experience by choosing apps and sites that are user-friendly and secure.
The mobile Casino sites guide focuses on the convenience of playing
casino games on mobile devices. The guide also includes information on bonuses, game selections, and
secure banking options for New Zealand players.
It lists the top-rated online casinos that accept Kiwi players
and offer real money pokies.
Deposits at quality sites process instantly for most methods.
More isn’t always better—catalogues padded with obscure,
low-quality titles create clutter without adding value.
Software quality varies dramatically between providers.
Safe real money pokies sites for Australian players operate
under strict offshore jurisdictions since domestic online gambling laws remain restrictive.
After testing 47 platforms over eight months, Betzoid identified clear
patterns separating quality operators from the rest.
That’s roughly $60-$120 more back per $1,000 wagered over time.
Online RTPs typically range from 94% to 97%, compared to 85-90% at
land-based venues.
The fixed bet amounts meant slower balance drain, giving more chances to
hit bonus rounds. Bonus cash offers flexibility but typically carries higher wagering multipliers.
Higher-value bonuses carry tighter wagering—the $25 offers look generous until you calculate $875 to $1,125
in required bets. We tracked offers across multiple operators to
see how terms actually compare when you’re chasing real
money pokies without depositing.
References:
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Anything above 96.5% is generally considered to have an appealing payout
percentage, and games like Blood Suckers stand out at casino apps by offering an unusually high
rate. So, while every spin is random, high RTP slots statistically reduce the
house edge, giving you a better long-term shot at profiting.
That has helped Dead or Alive emerge as one of the best RTP slot games, and it has spawned a popular sequel,
too. Look for high-RTP slots with long bonus rounds or sticky wilds when clearing wagering
requirements on bonuses.
It’s also worth pointing out that while online pokie RTPs
will vary from game to game, these tend to be fixed
for table games as their rules are standardised.
The RTP, or return to player rate, refers to the
theoretical return on investment that a player can expect per
spin when playing an online pokie. The extensive library of pokies and
table games is stocked by world-class providers such as Pragmatic Play, and instant payouts are supported via MiFinity.
Considered to be the best paying casino for instant withdrawals in Australia, Dolly offers a truly commendable online gaming experience.
We know that when you read definitions of house edge,
RTP of games, and casino payout rates, you find similarities.
Remember, while knowledge enhances your gameplay, it’s essential to gamble responsibly.
If a game has an RTP of 95% and the total wagered amount is $10,000, the total expected
return to players is $9,500 ($10,000 x 0.95). While RTP provides an average estimation, actual gameplay can see fluctuations.
Some advanced online casino platforms offer tools that allow players to
track their RTP in real time, adjusting their strategy according to their actual performance versus the theoretical RTP.
This versatility in wagering options ensures that players don’t have to break
the bank to play and can gamble responsibly within their means.
If not hitting wins, many online pokies can also randomly
trigger exciting sub-games or special bonus rounds, which guarantees that gameplay is always dynamic.
There are also distinct differences in features and functionality, with some offering thousands of paylines and others offering only one.
The themes of the games vary widely and include adaptations of popular movies and TV shows
and genres ranging from comedies to horror. Whether
MiFinity or Jeton, versatile payment providers ensure instant withdrawal options with variable transfer limits.
The best gambling sites provide a diverse array of options, including credit and debit
cards, eWallets, crypto wallets and more, to ensure all players are catered
to. Our reviewers check that recommended casinos have been certified by auditors and have
strong records of regulation compliance.
Professional players understand that even the highest rtp slots australia require disciplined financial planning to maximize returns
over extended periods. Playing highest rtp slots australia games with proven bonus RTP Each method
handles deposits and withdrawals a little differently, so it’s worth picking based
on how fast you want your winnings back. The big advantage is access
to popular high-paying staples (like blackjack and baccarat)
with smooth gameplay and a more social experience.
Below are the core game categories you’ll find at the
best payout casinos in Australia, along with what to expect
from each. Look for casinos that spread spins over several days
or allow players to choose from multiple pokie titles.
A prepaid voucher system that’s become a popular choice for Australian players.
Also, watch for caps on free spin winnings and maximum
bets.
It’s common to see the welcome bonus offering a 100% match.
As you spin the reels on pokies or place bets on blackjack and other table games, you’re sure to experience some losses.
At the same time we’ll also talk about the wagering requirements and T&Cs.
Because they are so popular, and the fact
that the best providers created them, you’ll find them
at most top online casinos. NetEnt’s Mega Joker was a hit when it launched in 2013, and it remains one
of the most popular high-RTP slots to this day.
Top features include win both ways, symbol substitution, and a
free spins bonus round in which winnings are multiplied by 4X.
This carnival-themed game has been a mainstay of popular slots sections at online casinos since
it was released in 2016. A 98% RTP and features like win both ways, Jokerizer Mode, and free spins make Jokerizer one of Yggdrasil’s most popular
slots. This horror-themed slot offers an RTP of 98% and features a pick ‘em bonus game, free spins, and multipliers.
This guide will tell you about the highest RTP slots that you can play at online casinos right now.
We regularly update our list with the latest online casinos, so you
will find a few sites that have been established in January 2026.
Maybe you’ll find that you prefer the new casino over the
old one, or maybe it will make for a nice change.
After reading, you’ll have a clear idea of
where to start and which new casinos offer the best value.
We’re always keeping our list of Australia’s best new online casinos up to date.
Keep play in check with limits, short sessions, and a clear budget.
If licence data, contact details, or dispute paths are vague,
the casino does not make the list. We score safety, payments, bonus
value, mobile play, and game depth, then re-check terms
as new online casinos roll out updates.
ISP blocking of illegal Australian casino sites and stricter compliance checks remain key enforcement tools, all of which were added to the
original IGA policy in 2017. By 2025, regulators will be focusing heavily on consumer protection rather than opening the
market to offshore casino operators. Credit and debit card
withdrawals are slightly slower, while bank transfers take a few business days.
Winshark Casino login australia sessions lead to the quickest withdrawals we tested.
Richard Casino holds the most trusted online casino australia title for good
reason. GlitchSpin launched in 2024 and quickly became the best new online casino australia
players recommend. Crypto slots australia payouts process in under 10 minutes.
Wagering sits at 45x with a 14-day timeframe.Payment MethodsCrypto, PayID,
bank transfers, Visa, Mastercard, Neosurf, and e-wallets.
The instant PayID pokies Australia real money experience here sets
the standard. Bank transfers need 2-3 business days.Our VerdictGamblezen combines speed, variety, and security better than any other online casino sites we tested.
Land-based gambling is regulated both at state level and by state governments, with all wagering related
to lotteries, sports and casino games requiring a
licence that is granted by the state or by a specific territory.
We will not recommend online casino sites unless they pass all these checks.
All casinos we list hold valid gambling licenses from internationally recognized authorities such as the Curacao Gaming Control Board or Malta Gaming
Authority.
A bonus is only worth claiming if the rules behind it make sense.
Australia’s gambling rules don’t change overnight, but when they do, they usually focus on how people pay, which sites are blocked, and how players are protected.
National Casino is known for its bonus wheel feature, giving players an extra layer of excitement
when claiming rewards.
Now it’s over to you; go for game lobbies that excite you most, and claim the bonus that fits your style.
The top online casinos Australia real money sites we’ve reviewed give
you that choice, and each one comes with its own flavour of excitement.
Problem gambling is a serious issue that affects many players, and if
left unchecked, can lead to financial stress and
emotional strain. ID checks are stricter when opening
a credit line or making large cash deposits and withdrawals.
Players typically use cash to buy chips or tickets for play,
and winnings are usually processed in person.
I suggest you also look for legitimate payment providers and safe gateways, certified games, and
proper KYC checks. Some casinos also run their own tournaments, and they don’t have
to be exclusively for pokie players. Make sure you don’t fall victim to sucker bets
that are heavily in the house’s favour. This does add
a level of immersion to the game, but still – I prefer
the real deal. The game publishes these encrypted values before each round begins, and once the round ends, you can check those values and confirm that the result wasn’t manipulated after bets were placed.
It’s a system tied to the blockchain that lets you check the outcome of each round manually.
Plinko, Aviator, Mines, and similar titles have become a common sight at top online casinos in Australia.
Getting cash from brick-and-mortar casinos probably seemed
more convenient in the past, when online bank transfers would take 2 weeks to
process. Signing up with any of my recommended real money Australian online casinos gives you access to over 5,000 games, sometimes even double that.
Check our list and the awards assigned to each casino
to pick the best one based on your needs.
Get extra 50% for crypto deposits. 250% bonus on first deposit plus
50% for crypto deposits. It’s been around for decades, so
naturally, you will find it listed as an accepted method across
most, if not all sites that cater to Australians. Sure, the country
has blocked most sites that have been targeting Australians, but there
are still a lot of choices that Australians have
at their disposal. You will usually need
a second method such as eZeeWallet, crypto, or bank transfer,
so it is smart to set that up before you need it.
Neosurf gives you more privacy, stronger prepaid budget control, and no need to expose your main banking details to
the casino.
The best Neosurf online casinos provide a premium gaming
experience for players who value convenience, security, and privacy in their transactions.
Most welcome bonuses don’t need a code for the first
deposit. It’s a great choice for players who
value privacy,, whether casual or high-stakes.
We understand that some Australian players might be interested in using Neosurf to fund their casino gameplay while overseas.
By the time you finish reading this post, you will understand how the payment method works.
Both methods suit fans of anonymous and fast
transactions, but your choice depends on which features you value more.
Neosurf is renowned for its security, as it allows users to make casino deposits
without providing personal details.
A strong real money online casino should make its
withdrawal times clear before you deposit. A
beginner-friendly online casino should make real money play easier to understand,
not hide the details players need before depositing.
A casino loses points here when the site feels cluttered, the cashier is confusing, or important terms are buried in hard-to-read language.
Crazy Vegas checks how easy each site is to use, how clearly it explains
bonuses and withdrawals, how simple the cashier feels, and
whether support is easy to reach when something goes wrong.
For Australian players, transparency matters because offshore casino access does not automatically
mean strong local protection. We look at licensing information, operator details, terms and conditions, ownership clarity, and how easy it is for players to understand the rules before joining.
Games you will find at Neosurf platforms use Random Number Generators (RNGs) to
ensure the fairness of gameplay. This ensures that they provide a regulated platform for
fair gaming and create all necessary conditions for a risk-free player experience.
Some casinos also surprise players with no deposit bonuses that don’t require a deposit at all, either as a welcome gift or a special reward.
Cashback offers give you some money back when things don’t go your way.
While some payment options don’t qualify for promotions, Neosurf deposits almost always do.
The main security of the Neosurf payment option is its PIN-based nature.
In case you don’t want to download an app or the site doesn’t feature one,
you can easily play on the go using the casino’s mobile version of the
site.
Aussies looking to use this payment option can select
from the list of sites we have compiled. We have put
together a curated list of the best Neosurf casinos.
The deposits are instant allowing players to choose the game of their choice and play without any delay.
Talking about the payment methods aside from Neosurf,
the list of them for this online casino is so long that I do not feel a need to
list all of them there, cryptocurrencies included. Based on the featured shortlist, SkyCrown and
VegasNow are stronger for players who care about faster withdrawal messaging, especially if crypto support matters.
Neosurf stands out for privacy and simplicity while maintaining
strong security. Online casinos that accept Neosurf have advantages over other
gambling sites which don’t have this payment on their
list.
Multiple gaming platforms are available for Aussies, so players have an insane choice.
Leading operators have already implemented this banking option into their
activities, so let’s explore the best Neosurf online
casinos. You may check the full list of accepted countries via Neosuf’s
official website. The list of countries accepted
within the payment systems includes, but is not limited to the United Kingdom,
Canada, Austria, Belgium, France, Germany, Czech Republic,
Portugal, Spain, and the Netherlands. The list includes daily deals, tournaments, free spins, and
weekend propositions.
Please note that none of the gambling sites on our list have a sports section,
so this is an advantage. If you compare Slots Gallery with other
sites on this list, it is very similar to the
others, considering VIP privileges, a wide range of entertainment, quick withdrawals,
and generous bonuses. Slots Gallery Casino clients
can use all reliable payment systems, such as Visa, Mastercard,
Interac, cryptocurrency, and others. It is also worth noting that at Skycrown casino
the average time to withdraw winnings is 12 minutes (you’ll need an alternative payment option).
References:
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