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Жиздра

Действующие лица

Акакий.

Первый пассажир.

Второй пассажир.

Третий пассажир.

Начальник поезда.

Проводница.

Добрый полицейский.

Злой полицейский.

Голос.

Действие первое

Сцена 1

Купе скорого поезда. Четыре пассажира беседуют и выпивают. Выпивают и беседуют. Обычные вагонные разговоры. Обычное такое мужское купе.

Первый пассажир. Вот удивительное все-таки у Вас имя. Акакий. Я думал, в наше время так уже людей не называют. Родители, что ли, Гоголя очень любили? Николай Васильевича?

Акакий. Да нет. Футбол.

Первый пассажир. Неожиданно.

Третий пассажир. А чего. Самое то. На моей памяти еще ни одного турнира не выиграли. Все просирают. Так что, самое правильное имя.

Акакий. В Бразилии был такой футболист Кака́. В честь него и назвали.

Третий пассажир. Я всегда говорил, что бразильцы эти — обезьяны. Всю жизнь человеку испоганили. А как тебя в детстве-то кликали?

Второй пассажир. А я считаю, что не в имени дело. Лишь бы человек был хороший.

Первый пассажир. Ну, за футбол.

Выпивают.

Первый пассажир. Я вот слышал, рыбалка у вас хорошая.

Акакий. Хорошая.

Первый пассажир. Надо как-нибудь до вас доехать.

Акакий. Так приезжайте, конечно. У нас и рыбалка, и охота, и мэра вот недавно арестовали.

Второй пассажир. Это правильно. Украл, что ли, чего?

Акакий. Говорят, поезд с макаронами.

Третий пассажир. Подлец! Вот, как есть, подлец! Эшелонами уже тырят! Креста на них нет! Макароны — они же наше всё. Я считаю, что, ежели кто макароны ворует, того расстреливать надо.

Первый пассажир. Ага. А еще лучше колесовать и сжигать на костре. Вы, кстати, знаете, что такое аутодафе?

Третий пассажир. Нет.

Первый пассажир. Тогда за аутодафе!

Выпивают.

Акакий. А еще у нас посадили бывшего губернатора и семь его министров.

Второй пассажир. Это правильно. А за что?

Акакий. Так, за всё.

Третий пассажир. Вот суки. Моя бы воля, я бы их всех перестрелял. Я считаю, десяток тварей этих расстреляешь, остальным неповадно будет.

Первый пассажир. Неистовый Вы. За неистовость!

Выпивают.

Акакий. А еще посадили начальников двух комитетов, их замов и вице-спикера.

Второй пассажир. Наконец-то. А вице-спикера-то почему?

Акакий. Так спикера убил.

Первый пассажир. И съел?

Акакий. Типун Вам на язык. Просто убил.

Третий пассажир. Моя бы воля, я бы их всех пересажал. Посадил бы всех в одну камеру, как пауков, и чтобы жрали друг друга. А того, кто останется, поставил бы царем, чтобы порядок в стране навел.

Входит Проводница с подстаканником.

Проводница. Есть кто до Иркутска?

Акакий. Я.

Проводница. Не забудьте собрать белье. Посадочки будут.

Первый пассажир. Кто бы сомневался. Ну, за посадочки!

Сцена 2

Ночь. Проводница заходит в купе. В руке у нее подстаканник. Тихонько будит Акакия.

Проводница. Мужчина, вставайте.

Акакий. Как? Что? За что? Я ничего не сделал.

Проводница. Мужчина, тише. Вы весь вагон разбудите. Через час подъезжаем.

Акакий. Ой, простите.

Проводница. Через 20 минут закрою туалет. Чай, кофе?

Первый пассажир (просыпаясь). Потанцуем? Доброе утро.

Проводница (игриво). Не смешно, мужчина. Так будете чай или кофе?

Акакий. Нет, спасибо. Дома уже попью. (Первому пассажиру.) Извините, я Вас разбудил. Кошмар приснился.

Первый пассажир. Пустяки. А что сейчас за станция?

Проводница. Через 40 минут Владимир.

Поезд издает долгий пронзительный звук, напоминающий визг зарезанного кабанчика.

Акакий. Какой Владимир? Я же в Иркутск еду.

Проводница долго смотрит Акакию в глаза. Молча разворачивается и выходит.

Сцена 3

Акакий. Ну и юмор у женщины. Ха! Владимир, говорит. Посреди Сибири. Достает зубную щетку и пасту.

Первый пассажир. А что в этом смешного?

Акакий. Вот я и говорю.

Второй пассажир (просыпаясь). Вы замолчите когда-нибудь?

Акакий. Ой, простите.

Второй пассажир. Бог простит.

Третий пассажир (просыпаясь). Не простит. Устроили посреди ночи цирк с конями. Сталина на вас нет.

Акакий выходит из купе в туалет.

Второй пассажир. Сколько там натикало?

Первый пассажир. Два ночи.

Третий пассажир. Бля! Два ночи. Спать и спать еще. Я бы расстреливал тех, кто спать мешает.

Первый пассажир. Точно. Из парабеллума. Хотите, мы дадим Вам парабеллум?

Второй пассажир. Давайте спать уже.

Акакий в ужасе врывается в купе.

Акакий. Там, там…

Третий пассажир. Ты не охренел?!

Акакий. Я пошел в туалет.

Первый пассажир. Начало многообещающее.

Акакий. Там по дороге расписание.

Первый пассажир. Ну-у-у!

Акакий. И я взглянул.

Третий пассажир. Может, хватит уже сиськи мять?! Говном там, что ли, намазано?!! Что ты как баба?!! Говори уже!

Акакий. А там Владимир.

Поезд вновь издает протяжный, жалобный стон, похожий на плач зарезанного кабанчика.

Сцена 4

Первый пассажир. Живой?

Акакий. Кто?

Первый пассажир. Владимир.

Акакий. Нет.

Первый пассажир. Мертвый?.. Какой, вообще, Владимир?

Акакий. Город. В расписании, вместо Иркутска, Владимир.

Второй пассажир. И что?

Акакий. Как что?

Второй пассажир. Что в этом страшного? Владимир красивый город. Там много храмов. Все в пешей доступности. По-моему, Вам повезло.

Акакий. Но мне не надо во Владимир.

Третий пассажир. Надо. Не надо. Если каждого спрашивать, что ему надо, в войне не победить.

Акакий. В какой войне?

Третий пассажир. В любой.

Акакий. Но сейчас нет войны.

Третий пассажир. Война есть всегда. Либерасты хреновы. Какую страну просрали! Сталина на вас нет. Владимир ему наш не нравится.

Акакий. Вы не поняли. Там один сплошной Владимир.

Все. Где?

Акакий. В расписании! Там все города Владимиры!!!

Молчание. Слышится стук колес. Входит Проводница с подстаканником.

Сцена 5

Проводница. Собрали белье? Ну я же просила. Кто до Владимира, соберите белье. Людей же сажать надо.

Третий пассажир. Давно пора.

Акакий. Женщина, что это за поезд?

Проводница. Сами Вы женщина. Я Вас, кажется, не оскорбляла. Поезд второй. Владимир — Владимир.

Акакий. Это шутка такая?

Проводница. Мужчина, я похожа на Гарика Бульдога Харламова? Какие у Вас претензии?

Акакий. Я еду в Иркутск. У меня семья в Иркутске. Жена, сын, работа. Это Сибирь, в конце концов. Здесь нет Владимира!

Проводница. Кто вам такое сказал? Владимир есть везде.

Акакий. Но это же бред.

Проводница (достает рацию). Анатолий Иваныч, в пятом вагоне пассажир буянит. Спасибо. (Акакию.) Сейчас начальник поезда подойдет. Вот ему и расскажете, что, по-вашему, бред.

Сцена 6

Входит Начальник поезда.

Проводница. Как Вы быстро, Анатолий Иваныч.

Начальник. Я вообще быстрый. Что тут у нас?

Акакий. Извините, просто я ехал в Иркутск, и вдруг оказалось, что Иркутска больше нет.

Начальник. А его никогда и не было.

Долго и протяжно поет зарезанный кабанчик.

Акакий. Как?

Начальник. Так. Я даже не понимаю, о чем Вы говорите.

Проводница. Они выпивали вчера.

Начальник. Да? Кто-то чем-нибудь недоволен? Вы? Или, может, Вы? Это поезд. Он едет. Его не надо раскачивать. Вы понимаете? Здесь кроме вас, между прочим, едут другие пассажиры. Женщины, старики, дети. Вы хотите, чтобы поезд сошел с рельс? Чтобы погибли люди? Может быть, вы террористы? Кто вас послал? На кого вы работаете? Кто вам платит? Остальным тоже кажется, что они ехали в Иркутск?

Второй пассажир. Никак нет.

Третий пассажир. Служу России.

Первый пассажир. А ведь правда же, Владивосток назван в честь Владимира? Так я туда.

Начальник (Акакию). Вот видите.

Акакий. Дайте мой билет!

Начальник. Зачем?

Акакий. В нем все написано.

Проводница подает ему билет.

Акакий. Вот. Я же не сумасшедший. (C ужасом смотрит на билет.) Но ведь вчера… (Залезает во внутренний карман висящего на крючке пальто, достает паспорт, листает. Ошарашенно смотрит на присутствующих. Растерянно.) Но как?

Начальник. Быстро. Все следует делать быстро.

Голос. Скорый поезд номер два Владимир — Владимир через Владимиры прибывает на станцию Владимир на первый путь. Стоянка 23 минуты.

Сцена 7

Акакий. Я ничего не понимаю. Ну, хорошо. Они могли взять ночью мой паспорт. Но как они успели заменить страницу с пропиской? И почему именно у меня?

Первый пассажир (разглядывая свой паспорт). У меня тоже. Так что успокойтесь, Вы не одиноки.

Акакий. А у вас?

Второй пассажир. Мне все равно. Где скажут жить, там и буду.

Третий пассажир. Вот же ты зануда. Да ты гордиться должен, что живешь в таком городе. Я вот горжусь.

Акакий (достает телефон, звонит). Нина. Это я. Извини, что разбудил. Нет, не опаздывает. Приехал уже… У меня к тебе дурацкий вопрос. В каком городе мы живем?.. Почему пьяный? Не пьяный. Нина, это важно. Нина… Бросила трубку.

Первый пассажир. Я бы, знаете, тоже бросил, если бы мне в 2 часа ночи кто-нибудь позвонил с таким вопросом.

Второй пассажир. Шли бы Вы уже. Скоро стоянка в этом Владимире закончится, а мне перед моим Владимиром еще выспаться хочется.

Третий пассажир. Откидывайся уже давай. Освобождай шконку.

Акакий. Да-да, конечно. Извините. (Идет к дверям. Останавливается. Снова набирает номер.) Нина. Прости, но это, правда, важно. Просто, я сейчас на здание вокзала смотрю, а на нем написано Владимир… Ну, Иркутск… Я же говорю, не пил я. То есть, пил, но не столько же… Ладно… Ладно… Ладно… Я понял… Понял я… Вовка спит?.. Что значит, какой Вовка? А как? Павлик? Какой Павлик?… Почему Павлик?.. (Ошалело смотрит на телефон. Снова достает паспорт, листает. Садится на полку.) Мой сын — Павлик. Иркутск — Владимир, а Вовка — Павлик. (Неожиданно орет.) Суки! Я никуда не пойду! Это не мой город! Это не мой сын! Что вы сделали с моим сыном?!

Появляются двое Полицейских.

Сцена 8

Добрый полицейский. Почему хулиганим?

Злой полицейский. Ты чего орешь, стручок?

Добрый. Может быть, Вы чем-то расстроены?

Злой. На пол лег, укурок!

Добрый. Если Вас, конечно, не затруднит.

Злой. Лег, я сказал! (Тыкает Акакия дубинкой в живот. Акакий сгибается пополам.)

Добрый. Вы не могли бы изложить нам суть Ваших претензий?

Акакий. Я…

Злой. Заткнись, сука! (Толкает Акакия на пол. Акакий падает.)

Добрый. Ну что же Вы молчите?

Злой полицейский долго танцует вокруг Акакия, попинывая его ногами. Акакий затихает.

(Злому.) Зачем ты так? Мат же запрещен.

Злой. Сука — не матерное слово. Я проверял. Там четыре слова только запрещено. И их производные.

Добрый. Ой, не знаю. Сейчас строго с этим.

Злой. Да я в словаре Ожегова смотрел. Вот. (Достает из-за пазухи словарь Ожегова.) Сука — два значения. Первое: самка домашней собаки, а также вообще животного семейства собачьих. И второе: негодяй, мерзавец. Так что все нормально.

Добрый. Ты бы еще Даля посмотрел.

Злой. Так я посмотрел. (Говорит быстро без всякой шпаргалки.) Сука в псковском наречии сучка, сучёнка, сученька, сучища — песья матка, собачья самка, также волчья, лисья, песцовая и прочее. А так же род мелкой, колючей рыбы, сука-рыба.

Добрый. Сука — рыба?

Злой. Например, колюшка. Кроме того, шар, чурка, которую в игре касло гоняют клюкой.

Добрый. Какое еще касло?

Злой. Не задумывайся, Сережа. В вологодском наречии сука это альчик, костыга, лодыжка, бабка, шляк, баска, козлок, козан, казна.

Добрый. Казна — это сука?

Злой. Даль врать не будет.

Добрый. То-то я и смотрю, что нам зарплату задерживают. Казна — сука.

Злой. Ну и наконец, сука — это негодная женщина. наушница, сплетница, откуда, вероятно, произошло слово сучить, то есть сплетничать, наговаривать.

Первый пассажир. Ну вы, мужики, даете.

Злой. Так филфак, ебтыть.

Голос. Внимание! Скорый поезд номер два Владимир — Владимир, через Владимиры, отправляется с первого пути. Поезд проследует со всеми остановками, кроме станций Владимир, Владимир и Владимир. Провожающих просьба освободить вагоны.

Полицейские берут Акакия за руки и за ноги и выносят из купе.

Действие второе

Сцена 9

Начальник поезда и три пассажира сидят в купе.

Начальник. Я вам так скажу, какой смысл называть город в честь умершего человека? Ведь он про это уже не узнает. Ему не будет от этого приятно. Он не обрадуется. А значит что? Значит, называть города надо в честь живущих. И желательно все города. Потому что, чем больше городов назовешь, тем больше уважения выкажешь. Согласны? Какой смысл называть один город, если все остальные останутся прежними? Этот один просто затеряется среди прочих. А потому переименовывать следует все города страны. И чтобы прежних названий не осталось в памяти. Потому что незачем.

Второй пассажир. Я совершенно с Вами согласен, но можно вопрос?

Начальник. Конечно.

Второй пассажир. А когда нам разрешат выйти из поезда?

Входит Проводница с подстаканником.

Проводница. Анатолий Иванович, еще вафелек?

Начальник. Спасибо, Олюшка. Не надо. Будет надо, я позову. (Второму пассажиру.) А зачем Вам выходить?

Второй пассажир. Нууу…

Начальник. Вам разве у нас плохо? Вас кормят, поят, у Вас есть своя полка. Радиоточка играет. Туалет работает.

Первый пассажир. Но только один.

Начальник. Ну что же поделать, если во втором нам пришлось запереть вашего буйного соседа? Или кто-то считает, что мы поступили неправильно?

Третий пассажир. Никак нет! Я бы всех их туда пересажал и заставил чистить зубной щеткой. И вылизывать языком. Чтобы порядок был. Какую страну просрали.

Начальник (одобрительно кивает). Молодец, Иван Петрович. Вот молодец. Красавчик. На таких как Вы, Иван Петрович, вся страна наша держится. (Второму пассажиру.) Я же Вам объяснял, что было принято решение в целях безопасности и по многочисленным просьбам пассажиров из поездов их не выпускать. Мы же здесь все находимся в движении. А Вы знаете, что в движущийся предмет попасть труднее, чем в статичный. Это же очевидно. Школьный курс физики. Так что, Вы как бы сидите, но, при этом, как бы двигаетесь, уклоняясь от вражеских стрел. Мне кажется, вы все должны сказать нам спасибо.

Второй и Третий пассажиры (вместе). Спасибо!

Первый пассажир. А можно чаю?

Появляется Проводница без подстаканника.

Проводница. Чай по расписанию.

Начальник. Увы, господа, порядок есть порядок. А мне, Олюшка, принеси, пожалуйста, чаю с лимончиком и вафелек.

Проводница уходит. Двое Полицейских вводят в купе Акакия.

Сцена 10

Начальник. Ну что, голубчик, успокоились? Ну что Вы кукситесь? Хотите чаю? Не супьтесь. Кстати, есть такое слово?

Злой. Так точно! От словацкого суп, то есть коршун.

Начальник. Коршун — это суп? Очень интересно. Значит, если словаки сварят коршуна, то у них будет суп из супа. И, вообще, получается, что в Словакии супы летают. (Смеётся.) Смешные они, словаки эти.

Третий пассажир. Так младшие братья. Недомерки. Чего с них взять?

Начальник. Помолчите, пожалуйста.

Злой. У коршунов характерное несколько злое выражение лица, отсюда, видимо, хмурящегося человека называют насупленным, то есть похожими на коршуна.

Начальник. В смысле, на словацкий суп. Очень смешно. Спасибо. А кукситься?

Злой. Слово «кукситься» имеет тот же корень, что и слово скука. В словенском скучати означает скулить, визжать. Ну, а у нас кукса — это плакса.

Начальник. Блестяще. (Обращаясь к доброму полицейскому.) Вот, видишь, Вадик, а Сережа молодец.

Добрый (обиженно). Сережа это я.

Начальник. Тем более. (Акакию.) Ну как Вы? Отдохнули, успокоились?

Акакий. Да. Спасибо.

Начальник. Не за что. (Полицейским.) Вы свободны.

Полицейские уходят.

Сцена 11

Третий пассажир. Зачем его вернули из нужника? Там ему самое место. Он же всю страну просрал. Либераст проклятый. Сталина на него нет.

Начальник. Иван Петрович, я Вам делаю второе замечание. Если что, Вадик и Сережа далеко не ушли. Дело в том, что в каждом городе мы сажаем новых пассажиров и при этом, как Вы знаете, из поезда никто не выходит. В этой ситуации, так сказать, каждое очко на счету. Тем более, мне кажется, Акакий Акакиевич исправился и больше не будет.

Акакий. Я Владимирович.

Поезд издает вой недовольного жизнью кабанчика.

Начальник. Что?

Акакий. Моего отца звали Владимир, и в честь него я назвал своего сына.

Начальник. Вы путаете. Вашего папу звали Акакием, а сын ваш Павлик. В стране может быть только один человек по имени Владимир. Иначе возникнет путаница, и люди могут не понять, в честь кого названы наши города. Это же так просто. Школьный курс географии. Вы согласны со мной?

Второй пассажир. Целиком и полностью. Я вообще считаю, гражданин начальник поезда, что…

Начальник. К чему эти церемонии? Называйте меня просто, гражданин начальник. (Первому пассажиру.) А Вы согласны со мной?

Первый пассажир неожиданно достает из кармана стандартное удостоверение красного цвета. Начальник смотрит на него. Встает.

Первый пассажир. Сидите-сидите. Что вы. Продолжайте. Чувствуйте себя как дома.

Начальник (с опаской поглядывая на Первого пассажира, Акакию). А Вы?

Первый пассажир. Он тоже согласен. Можно нам чаю?

В ту же секунду появляется Проводница с чаем.

Проводница. Служу России!

Сцена 12

В купе те же, кто был в первой сцене. Молчат.

Первый пассажир. Ну что все такие молчаливые? Ничего же не изменилось. Мы все друзья. Давайте рассказывать истории. Ну же. Иван Петрович, расскажите мне что-нибудь. Ну что Вам — не про кого рассказать? Можно про жену, про любовницу, про начальника.

Третий пассажир (хмуро). У меня нет любовницы.

Первый пассажир. Здрасте. Кому Вы это рассказываете? Побойтесь бога.

Третий пассажир. Простите.

Первый пассажир. А Вы, Антон Егорыч, неужели Вам нечего мне рассказать? По-простому, по-вагонному. Это же поезд. Тут надо рассказывать истории. Акакий Акакиевич, может, Вы? Вспомните, как Вы хорошо доложили про вице-спикера. И про мэра, и про губернатора. Я знаю, Вы можете. Ну же! Кто старое помянет, тому глаз вон…

Акакий в ужасе дергается.

Да не бойтесь Вы. Это же фигура речи такая. (Достает длинное шило, кладет на стол.)

Акакий. А правда, что в женском вагоне сидит моя жена?

Первый пассажир. Правда. Только не сидит, а едет. Улавливаете разницу? И сынишка Ваш, Павлик, тоже едет. Все едут. Ну, то есть, они, конечно, сидят, но… В общем, все зависит от угла зрения. Хотите их повидать?

Акакий. А можно?

Первый пассажир. Что за глупые вопросы? Конечно, можно. Только расскажите о них какой-нибудь секретик.

Акакий. Какой?

Первый пассажир. Ну, историю какую-нибудь. Вот где Ваша жена родилась?

Акакий. В Нальчике.

Первый пассажир (кричит в дверь). Вадик!

Входит Злой полицейский.

Первый пассажир. Вы уверены?

Акакий. Уже нет.

Первый пассажир. Значит, где она родилась?

Акакий. Во Владимире.

Первый пассажир. Правильно. А потом куда она переехала?

Акакий. Во Владимир?

Первый пассажир. Конечно. Вадик, ты можешь идти.

Злой полицейский уходит.

Первый пассажир. Ну что вы за люди такие. Всё из вас надо клещами вытягивать. Да не вздрагивайте Вы так. Это тоже фигура речи. (Достает клещи, кладет на столик.) Может быть, поиграем в города? Я недавно одну пьесу читал…

Второй пассажир. Вы читаете пьесы?

Первый пассажир. Служба.

Второй пассажир. Понимаю.

Первый пассажир. Так вот, там люди в города играли… Хотя, боюсь, в нашей ситуации это не очень актуально… Но можно же играть в города других стран. Там пока еще есть некоторое разнообразие.

Входит Начальник поезда.

Начальник. Разрешите доложить?

Первый пассажир. Ну что Вы как неродной? Вы тут хозяин, мы ваши гости. Докладывайте.

Начальник что-то шепчет Первому пассажиру.

Первый пассажир. Ну, ты подумай. Вот же, Акакий Акакиевич, незадача какая. Не хотели Вы нам ничего про семью Вашу рассказывать, а сынок Ваш Павлик все про Вас рассказал. Его и не спрашивал никто. Сам пришел и рассказал.

Третий пассажир. Правильный пацан!

Первый пассажир. Павлики они такие. Мы, конечно, должны будем всё проверить; как говорится: семь раз проверь, а потом отрежь. Да что ж Вы дергаетесь так? Мы же не садисты какие. (Достает огромные ножницы, кладет на столик.) А на время проверки надо определить Вам меру, так сказать, пресечения. Ольга Николавна!

Входит Проводница с подстаканником.

Сцена 13

Первый пассажир. Ольга Николавна, предлагаю Вам быть судьей. Согласны?

Проводница. Так точно! А как это?

Первый пассажир. Не переживайте, Вам подскажут. Вот Анатолий Иванович, он и подскажет. Главное, сразу предоставьте слово обвинителю.

Проводница. Кому?

Первый пассажир. Обвинителю. Обвинителем будет Иван Петрович. А Антон Егорыч — защитником. По-моему, я все замечательно придумал.

Акакий. Я ничего не понимаю.

Проводница (бьет ложечкой по стакану в подстаканнике). Слушаем обвинителя.

Третий пассажир. А чего тут слушать? Запереть к хренам в сортир и пусть сидит.

Акакий. За что?

Третий пассажир. Было бы за что, вообще бы удавил тебя, пидараса. Житья от вас нет.

Проводница. Что я должна дальше говорить?

Начальник. Ну, что тебе надо выйти в совещательную комнату. Мы же с тобой вместе смотрели «Суд идет». Помнишь?

Проводница. Шалун Вы, Анатолий Иванович. Я-то думала, у Вас глаза закрыты, а Вы, оказывается, в телевизор подглядывали.

Начальник. Не отвлекайся, Оленька.

Проводница (кокетливо). Ну, ладно. Мне надо выйти. В эту… в соса… вещательную комнату.

Первый пассажир. Простите великодушно, но Вы забыли выслушать защитника.

Третий пассажир. С хрена ли? И так все ясно. Вор должен сидеть в тюрьме, наказания без вины не бывает, здоровых нет, есть недообследованные.

Проводница. Я поняла. Слово предоставляется защитнику.

Второй пассажир. Мне? А что надо делать?

Начальник. Защищайте.

Второй пассажир. Как?

Начальник. Какая разница? Просто бормочите что-нибудь.

Второй пассажир. Камень, ножницы, бумага. Угол падения равен длине гипотенузы. Волки кушают овец и сено.

Начальник. Пламенно.

Проводница. В общем, я пошла на совещание… А дальше что?

Начальник. Дальше выйдешь, постоишь за дверью 5 минут, вернешься и скажешь, что на свободе обвиняемый может скрыться от правосудия и оказать давление на свидетелей. (Акакию.) Вы же можете оказать давление на Вашего сына Павлика? Во-о-от. А потому Акакий Акакиевич должен посидеть в уборной до тех пор, пока не завершится следствие.

Проводница с пониманием кивает, выходит.

Акакий. А я могу узнать, в чем меня обвиняют?

Начальник. Вам лучше этого не знать.

Акакий. Но я прошу Вас.

Начальник. И не просите.

Акакий. Ну как же так.

Начальник. Ну так уж и быть. Вас обвиняют в оскорблении чувств плавающих и в шпионаже.

Акакий. Как в шпионаже?

Начальник. В пользу Ямайки. Я рад, что по первому пункту у вас возражений нет.

Акакий. Это все рассказал Вов… Мой сын?

Начальник. Павлик. Ваш сын Павлик.

Акакий. Он с ума сошел.

Первый пассажир. Спасибо. Это очень ценная информация.

Акакий. Какая?

Первый пассажир. По поводу сумасшествия вашего сына. Мы ее обязательно проверим.

Третий пассажир. Вот семейка! Один шпион, другой дурик.

Входит Проводница. В руках ее подстаканник.

Проводница. Ну, я готова. Я тут посовещалась и решила, что из обычного купе обвиняемый может скрыться от правосудия и выпороть Павлика. Поэтому пусть он сидит в туалете до конца следствия. Вот. Суд окончен. Хотите чаю?

Входят Добрый и Злой полицейские, уводят Акакия.

Действие третье

Сцена 14

Три пассажира беседуют.

Второй пассажир. Помню, летел я как-то из Владимира во Владимир. А там туман, нелетная погода.

Первый пассажир. И как?

Второй пассажир. Ну как. Совершили экстренную посадку во Владимире.

Первый пассажир. Все-таки это очень удобно. Куда ни прилети, всюду ждут, везде сажают.

Третий пассажир. Да вообще песня. А вы знаете, мне кажется, начальник поезда — того.

Первый пассажир. Вы шутите.

Третий пассажир. Бля буду.

Первый пассажир. А если подробнее?

Третий пассажир. Не знаю, но мне кажется.

Стремительно входит Начальник поезда.

Начальник (нервно). Креститься надо, когда кажется. (Первому пассажиру.) Не слушайте Вы его.

Первый пассажир. Ну а кого же нам еще слушать, если не народ? Шучу. Как, вообще, дела?

Начальник. Прекрасно. Все сидят, все едут. Еду берем у бабок на станциях. Пирожки, кефир, ягоды.

Первый пассажир. Значит, бабки не сидят?

Начальник (в ужасе). Они непоседы.

Первый пассажир. Понимаю. Пирожки проверяете?

Начальник (в панике). Конечно. С хамоном и пармезаном уничтожаем, все остальное людям.

Первый пассажир. Вы с проводницами, что ли, всё уничтожаете? Не жалеете себя совсем.

Начальник (падает на колени). Виноват-с, Ваше выскоблогородь.

Первый пассажир. Вольно. Просто приносите мне тоже. Я тоже поуничтожаю.

Начальник (не вставая с колен). Так точно! Паки, паки, иже херувимы.

Первый пассажир. Что с Вами? Вы что пирожками объелись? Ольга Николавна!

Вбегает Проводница с подстаканником.

Первый пассажир. Ольга Николавна, голубушка, отведите Анатолия Ивановича в уборную. Кажется, он… кажется, ему нехорошо.

Проводница. Так все туалеты заняты. Там эти, как их там, заключники.

Первый пассажир. Что, так-таки все? Плохо. Попросите Вадика с Сережей привести нашего друга Акакия. А Анатолия Ивановича разместите на его место. Пусть посидит, отдохнет, подумает.

Проводница выходит вместе с Начальником поезда.

Сцена 15

Добрый и Злой полицейские вводят Акакия.

Первый пассажир. Боже мой, кто к нам пришел! Почему так долго не заходили? Как Вы? Садитесь.

Акакий. Спасибо. Я постою.

Первый пассажир. Понимаю. Но знаете, в ногах правды нет. Хотя, где она есть? Согласны?

Акакий. Не знаю.

Первый пассажир. А Вы, я смотрю, помудрели, заматерели. Ведь как на такой вопрос ответить? Согласишься — обидишь Родину. Не согласишься — обидишь меня. А Вы молодцом. Тонко, находчиво, по-европейски. (Полицейским.) Кстати, ребята, не помните, в каком году пала Бастилия?

Злой (виновато). Я филолог.

Добрый. Я историк. Бастилия пала 14 июля 1789 года. Восставший народ отрезал голову коменданту Бастилии маркизу Делоне и торжественно пронес ее по городу.

Первый пассажир. По Парижу?

Добрый. Так точно.

Первый пассажир. Вот. И чего, спрашивается, в этот Париж все так рвутся? Там головы людям отрезают и по улицам носят. Вы же не хотите, как в Париже?

Третий пассажир. Да они там охреневшие все. У них же духовности нет ни ху…

Злой полицейский< несильно стукает Третьего пассажира дубинкой по губам.

Первый пассажир. Зачем Вы так?

Злой. Так мат запрещен. Но я несильно. Расслабляющим.

Первый пассажир. Ну, вот и славно. А как, Акакий Акакиевич, Вам ехалось все эти годы?

Акакий. Хорошо. А могу я задать вопрос?

Первый пассажир. Конечно.

Акакий. Что с моей женой?

Первый пассажир. У Вас больше нет жены.

Акакий. Почему?

Первый пассажир. Отменили.

Акакий. Что?

Первый пассажир. Жен. Мы решили отменить жен. Отменили и продали.

Акакий. Куда?

Первый пассажир. В Казахстан. В рамках сотрудничества между поездами. Мы им жен, они нам бананы.

Акакий. Но в Казахстане не растут бананы.

Первый пассажир. Да? Странно. Я был уверен, что растут. И, вообще, хватит об этом. Что мы все о бабах да о бабах. Я считаю, это вообще некрасиво, когда мужчины без конца обсуждают женщин. Что нам поговорить больше не о чем? Вот, Вы знаете, меня очень занимает вопрос, акака какий…

Акакий. Что?

Первый пассажир. Я говорю, а как, Акакий, вас все-таки называли в детстве?

Акакий. Отстаньте.

Злой полицейский несильно бьет Акакия дубинкой.

Первый пассажир. Ну что Вы напряженный такой? Дайте угадаю. Кака? Как того бразильского футболиста?

Акакий. Не скажу.

Злой полицейский стукает Акакия дубинкой.

Первый пассажир. Ну, пожалуйста. Кака?

Акакий. Попросите его меня не бить.

Первый пассажир. Не волнуйтесь, это же расслабляющие удары. Чтобы Вы расслабились.

Злой полицейский бьет Акакия.

Первый пассажир. Значит, кака?

Акакий. Футболиста звали Какá.

Первый пассажир. Какааая разница? Кака, Какá, Акакчик, Какуся, Акакочка. Это же все прекрасно и трогательно. Вы согласны со мной?

Злой полицейский бьет Акакия дубинкой.

Второй пассажир. Да что там Акакий. У нас в городе…

Первый пассажир. В каком городе?

Второй пассажир. Во Владимире.

Первый пассажир. Продолжайте.

Второй пассажир. Так вот у нас в городе Владимире жил учитель Елпидифор. Вот как его называли в детстве, это реально интересно.

Добрый. Елпидифор — старинное русское имя греческого происхождения. Означает «приносящий надежду». Известными Елпидифорами на Руси были епископ Таврический Бенедиктов, губернатор Тульский Зуров, биолог Карельский Веселов и архимандрит Евтихиан. Также широко известен святой великомученик Елпидифор Персидский.

Третий пассажир. Пидя, наверное. Елпидифор — Пидя. Как же еще?

Злой полицейский замахивается дубинкой. Добрый мягко останавливает его.

Добрый. Пидя не мат.

Первый пассажир. Вот до чего же мы все-таки хорошо едем.

Голос. Скорый поезд номер два Владимир — Владимир через Владимиры прибывает на станцию Владимир.

Сцена 16

Первый пассажир. Скажите, кака, Вы ведь не против, что я Вас так называю, скажите, а могли бы Вы сейчас снять штаны и пройти без штанов по поезду?

Акакий. Зачем?

Первый пассажир. Что значит, зачем? Ради мира на земле. Или Вы против мира? Ради процветания нашей родины. Вы же не против нашей родины. Или против?

Третий пассажир. Да против он. Что я не вижу? Это же враг. Патологический русофоб, национал-предатель. Пятый элемент.

Первый пассажир. Колонна.

Третий пассажир. Какая, нах, разница?

Первый пассажир (Акакию). Раздевайтесь.

Акакий. Я не хочу.

Первый пассажир (Второму пассажиру). А Вы?

Второй пассажир. Ради родины?

Первый пассажир. И мира во всем мире.

Второй пассажир. Конечно. (Быстро раздевается.)

Первый пассажир. Что Вы делаете?

Второй пассажир. Раздеваюсь.

Первый пассажир. Вы действительно готовы пройти голым по всему поезду только потому, что я Вас об этом попросил?

Второй пассажир. Да.

Первый пассажир (озадаченно). И кто из нас большее чудовище?

Второй пассажир. Не знаю.

Первый пассажир (задумчиво). Вот в этом и проблема. (В коридор.) Ольга Николавна!

Входит Проводница в пилотке, в короткой кожаной юбке, в ботфортах и с кнутом.

Сцена 17

Проводница. Чаю? (Замечает голого Второго пассажира.) Ой!

Первый пассажир. Так надо. Антон Егорович, Вы ступайте, раз уж разделись. Как мы договаривались. Пройдете через весь поезд и возвращайтесь.

Второй пассажир выходит.

А Обкакия Обкакиевича, Вы же не обижаетесь, что я Вас так называю, я полагаю, надо хорошенечко выпороть за непослушание. Кстати, как там Анатолий Иванович?

Проводница. Сидит. Поет «Боже царя храни», обещает вернуть какую-то колбасу.

Первый пассажир. Колбасу? Где-то я это уже читал. Надо будет спросить у Вадика. Кстати, звать его или мы сами справимся?

Третий пассажир. Да чего там звать?! Что, я один не справлюсь с этой сволочью? Фашистов одолели и эту мразь одолеем. Ложись, гад.

Акакий покорно ложится на полку. Проводница стегает его кнутом.

Сцена 18

Злой и Добрый полицейские разговаривают в тамбуре.

Добрый. А у вас в универе юморины были?

Злой. А как же. Помню, на 4 курсе «Гамлета» ставили. Не настоящего, конечно, а нашего. Там Гамлет был алкоголик, Клавдий — чекист, а я играл Бернардо. Стражник который. Я ходил на корточках и про меня говорили: «Типичный генетический отбросок». Народ ржал.

Добрый. Круто. А мы Чонкина инсценировали. Я генерала играл. Должен был кричать: «Да я сейчас расстреляю его как собаку», но увлекся и заорал: «Да я сейчас эту суку как собаку».

Злой. Тавтология получилась. Суку как собаку. Смешно.

Добрый. А еще у нас преподша одна была, стульями в студентов кидалась. Я у нее хочу диссертацию защитить. По Древнему Риму.

Злой. Нафига?

Добрый. Для бати. У меня батя очень хотел, чтобы я защитился.

Злой. Ну так-то нормальная затея. Родителей надо уважать.

Добрый. У нас же в поселке все мужики или менты, или алкоголики. И ни одного специалиста по Древнему Риму.

Злой. Лажа, конечно. На весь поселок ни одного специалиста по Древнему Риму. Никуда не годится. А у меня в семье все филологи. Вторая палатализация, ущербная фонема Ы, все дела. А ты был когда-нибудь в Таиланде?

Добрый. Ну, был.

Злой. А тебе там делали массаж стоп?

Добрый. И стоп и не стоп. Всё делали. Кстати, смешно получается, смотри. Массаж стоп это одно, а стоп массаж — вообще другое. А еще говорят, что от перестановки мест слагаемых сумма не меняется.

Злой. Еще как меняется. Например, «сыт и пьян» и «пьян и ссыт». Вообще разные вещи.

Добрый. Ха! А мне еще нравится в поездах в туалете надпись «кнопка слива». Бывает утка мандаринка, птичка киви и кнопка слива. Такой, типа, набор дачника.

Злой. Точно. Так клевый массаж этот?

Добрый. Смотря, кто делает. Бывает очень круто.

Злой. А как думаешь, если Ольге, проводнице, такой массаж сделать, она даст?

Добрый. Я бы не рисковал. До тебя Славик тут работал. Говорят, он ей сделал массаж стоп, и его начальник поезда из окна выкинул.

Злой. Но сейчас-то он в сортире сидит. Выкидывать некому.

Добрый (подносит рацию к уху). Беркут слушает. Есть. Есть. Так точно. (Злому.) Вот, уроды. Не могут спокойно ехать. В пятом вагоне несанкционированный митинг. Пошли.

Вздыхают. Достают дубинки, уходят.

Сцена 19

Второй пассажир стоит с плакатом, на котором написано «В МОСКВУ, В МОСКВУ». Первый пассажир смотрит на него с любопытством, Третий пассажир — с ненавистью, Акакий испуганно.

Первый пассажир. Ну и зачем Вы это сделали? В какую Москву? Вы же знаете, нет никакой Москвы. Это миф. Искажение истории.

Третий пассажир. Вот же гнида. Это пока он с голой сракой по поезду ползал, успел эту гнусь где-то подцепить. А ну отдай!

Второй пассажир. Не отдам. Я хочу домой. В душ. Я устал.

Первый пассажир. Антон Егорович, ну это же совершенно пустая затея. Кто-то Вас обманул. Расскажите, в каком вагоне на Вас было оказано влияние?

Второй пассажир. Ни в каком.

Первый пассажир. Так не бывает. Кто-то наверняка посулил Вам печенек и обманул. Расскажите, кто, и все будет по-прежнему.

Входят Добрый и Злой полицейские.

Второй пассажир. Я не хочу по-прежнему.

Первый пассажир. Я Вас очень хорошо понимаю. Мне самому надоела вся эта колбасня. Хочется нормально умыться, сходить в кино, погулять по парку. Но Вы же знаете, какая сейчас обстановка.

Второй пассажир. Нормальная сейчас обстановка. Вы все врете. Я живу в Чите. А еще есть Омск, Томск и Кострома. Я там бывал. Я знаю.

Третий пассажир. Удавлю гада!!!

Первый пассажир. Поймите, голубчик, Вы нарушаете общественный порядок. Вы нездоровы. Вас вылечат. У нас есть для этого прекрасные специализированные купе со всеми удобствами…

Второй пассажир. А давайте играть в города! (Открывает окно, начинает в него кричать.) Торжок. Кострома. Армавир. Ростов. Воронеж. Жиздра.

Первый пассажир делает знак полицейским. Они подходят ко Второму пассажиру и выбрасывают его в окно.

Первый пассажир. Жаль. Очень жаль… Жиздра. Ты подумай. Не знал.

Добрый (Злому). Вот тебе и массаж стоп.

Акакий с ужасом смотрит на все происходящее.

Действие четвертое

Сцена 20

Первый и Третий пассажиры выпивают.

Первый пассажир. Вот спрашивается, чего им всем надо? Пирожки с рисом и яйцом есть?

Третий пассажир. Есть.

Первый пассажир. С зеленым луком есть?

Третий пассажир. Есть.

Первый пассажир. Рыбник, курник и верник есть?

Третий пассажир. Верника нет.

Первый пассажир. А где он?

Третий пассажир. А хрен его знает.

Первый пассажир. И то верно. В общем, всё у них есть. Телик повесили, встали в хоровод, весело, весело встретим новый год. Но ведь мало им. Ноют и ноют, ноют и ноют.

Третий пассажир. Я и говорю, пусть те, кто ноют, валют. Никто не держит.

Первый пассажир. Как это не держит? Держит. Родина держит. Родину, знаешь, не выбирают. В ней живут и помирают. Поял?

Входит голый Акакий.

Первый пассажир. О-о-о! Наша кака пришла, молочка принесла. Как гулялось?

Акакий. Спасибо, хорошо.

Третий пассажир. Ну, что? Зовем Николавну, пороть ушлепка?

Входят Начальник поезда и Проводница в своей обычной форме. В руке у нее подстаканник.

Сцена 21

Первый пассажир. Оппа-на, Анатолий Иваныч. Вас уже выпустили из сумасшедшего дома? Шутка. Какими судьбами?

Начальник. Пришел сообщить, что поезд скоро прибывает на станцию Иркутск.

Проводница. Кто выходит, пожалуйста, соберите белье.

Первый пассажир. Куда прибывает?

Начальник. В Иркутск. Затем будут Улан-Удэ, Чита, Биробиджан, Хабаровск и так далее до Владивостока.

Первый пассажир. Улан у что? (резко трезвея.) А Владимир?

Начальник. Нет больше Владимира.

Первый пассажир. И правильно. Давно пора. Слава богу. А бог есть?

Начальник. По желанию.

Первый пассажир. Да здравствует Жиздра!

Третий пассажир. Да вы не оху…

Входят Добрый и Злой полицейские.

Начальник. Распитие спиртных напитков в поезде запрещено. пассажиры, нарушающие порядок, будут высажены из поезда.

Третий пассажир (сокрушенно). Опять просрали Россию. Да сколько ж можно?

Полицейские выводят Третьего пассажира из купе.

Третий пассажир. Куда вы меня тащите, пидарасы?! Эй, эй! Пидарасы! Пидарасы-ы-ы-ы…

Его крик заглушается звуками идущего поезда.

Проводница. Чаю?

Первый пассажир. Конечно. Если можно, с лимончиком.

Проводница выходит.

Сцена 22

Начальник (Акакию). Акакий Владимирович, господи, почему Вы раздетый? Я только сейчас заметил. Одевайтесь скорей. Кстати, у Вас есть какие-нибудь претензии по обслуживанию?.. Душно, прохладно, туалетная бумага, бумажные полотенца? Все нормально?

Акакий. Почему Иркутск?

Начальник. А как же еще, Акакий Владимирович? Иркутск — старинный сибирский город.

Акакий. Я Акакиевич. (У него звонит телефон.) Да? Нина? Какая Нина?.. Не знаю никакой Нины. Жен отменили. Женщина, не звоните мне больше… (Нажимает на отбой.) Я хочу во Владимир.

Первый пассажир. Это шок. Пройдет.

Начальник. Акакий Владимирович, ну что Вы такое говорите? Посудите сами, как можно во Владимир, если это Сибирь? Поезд номер два. Москва — Владивосток. Тут нет Владимира.

Акакий. Владимир есть везде.

Начальник. Господи, ну почему же с Вами каждый раз так тяжело? Владимир не может быть везде. Это же создаст путаницу. Почта перестанет нормально работать.

Первый пассажир. Боюсь, про почту не самый лучший аргумент.

Акакий. На свете не было, нет и не будет никогда более великой и прекрасной для людей власти, чем власть императора Владимира!

Первый пассажир. Где-то я это уже читал. Может, Вадика позовем? Он поможет.

Голос. Скорый поезд номер два Москва — Владивосток прибывает на станцию Иркутск. Стоянка 23 минуты.

Начальник. Вам выходить.

Акакий. Я не хочу в Иркутск. Я хочу во Владимир.

Сцена 23

Начальник (Первому пассажиру). С этим надо что-то делать.

Первый пассажир. Акакий, друг, что-то Оля с чаем подзадержалась. Мы сейчас с Иванычем за ней сгоняем. Ты тут не скучай.

Первый пассажир и Начальник поезда выходят. Голый Акакий тупо смотрит перед собой. Потом переводит взгляд на столик, где со второго действия торжественно выложены шило, клещи и огромные ножницы. Вдалеке фоном начинает играть музыка из «Криминального чтива». Он берет шило, тщательно рассматривает его, кладет обратно и берет клещи, взвешивает их на руке, два раза щелкает, кладет обратно и берет ножницы. Входят Добрый и Злой Полицейские.

Добрый. Ну, что? Снова Вы чем-то недовольны.

Злой. Лицом к стене, вонючка.

Злой полицейский подходит к Акакию, тот вдруг втыкает в него ножницы. Злой Полицейский тихо оседает на пол. Добрый Полицейский в оцепенении смотрит на происходящее. Акакий закалывает его. Забирает у Полицейских пистолеты. Выходит в коридор. Музыка обрывается. Звучат выстрелы.

Сцена 24

Акакий возвращается в купе. Садится на полку. Смотрит на трупы Полицейских. Затем встает и открывает окно. Он вдыхает воздух, идущий с воли. Ему хорошо. Неожиданно раздается Голос.

Голос. Скорый поезд номер два Акакий — Акакий через Акакий отправляется с первого пути. Поезд проследует со всеми остановками, кроме Акакий, Акакий и Акакий. Провожающих просим освободить вагоны.

Входит Проводница с подстаканником в руке.

Проводница. Может быть, чаю?

Конец

2019

292 thoughts on “Жиздра”

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  29. Юридические услуги играют ключевую роль в современном обществе и бизнесе.
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    Быстрая адаптация к изменениям в правовой
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    Рекомендации по выбору юридической компании

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    Квалификация юристов в определенных областях права
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    В нынешних условиях важно правильно выбрать юриста для защиты ваших прав и интересов.
    В статье мы познакомим вас с рейтингом юристов, который предназначен для упрощения выбора среди разнообразия адвокатов
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